long distance pt. 1
okay call me sappy, but i decided to start with the long distance relationship post because we get to see mat kearney tonight. spencer and i started a tradition of dancing to his song "nothing left to lose" in the driveway before i left for texas at the end of every summer, and it definitely became symbolic of our distance to me. i couldn't listen to it outside of that until we got married, because the song always symbolized goodbyes for us. now it reminds me of our wedding reception, where we danced to it for our first dance and i am so excited to see mat live tonight. i really hope he plays it!
well, i got a little ahead of myself for those of you who don't know my long distance story, so i'll dive right in.
the first thing i want to throw out there is one of my pet peeves about posts like this. being in a long distance relationship, i hated seeing posts that claimed to find "ten easy steps to making your long distance relationship work." they always seemed so shallow to me, and just bugged me honestly! so, i want to say up front- i am sharing my long distance story in hopes that someone else can relate and find encouragement in it. i don't know you, or your significant other. i don't know your unique situation, the things that make your relationship great, and the things that make it difficult sometimes. so please don't take anything i am saying as the end all be all of long distance- i am no expert for sure! (but on a different note, i would love to know more about your story! send me a note here or on instagram and let's connect!!)
spencer and i started dating at the beginning of my senior year of high school. he was a school year behind me (i'm super young for my grade, and he's on the older end of his), and we were "that" summer church camp couple. he was funny, respectful, sweet, and not to mention, has the most beautiful blue eyes. he seemed to just get me, and i loved spending time with him. he was quickly becoming not just my boyfriend, but my best friend. we went to different high schools, but managed to find time to see each other between sports practices and student council meetings. people questioned me almost immediately, "you realize you're going off to college soon, right? what are you doing getting in a relationship now?" honestly, i didn't have a great answer for them. i knew i always wanted to go to college out of state, and i wasn't really willing to let go of that dream for a guy. what was i doing?
fast forward to the end of the next summer. i'm about to leave for texas to attend my dream school, baylor university, and spencer has another year of high school and a dream to attend the university of oregon. as so many people around us were breaking up before college, we were faced with a choice. there were so many arguments for both sides, and plenty of people giving us their opinions (some were asked for their opinions, some were not. not bitter, can you tell?). ultimately we decided if we were staying in the same city, there would be nothing to make us break up, so we decided to give long distance a shot. spencer finished high school, and decided to attend university of oregon, and i stayed in texas for an extra year to get my masters degree, setting up five years spent over two thousand miles apart. we were so lucky to have supportive parents who helped us with plane tickets to see each other once every couple of months, but it still sucked. no way around it- there were many days where it totally sucked.
for us, there were positives and negatives to our long distance experience. i'll start with the negatives so we can end on a happy note!
1) missing out on the little things: until you're far apart, you can't understand the importance of just grabbing a cup of coffee together. this was my silly thing: i was always so jealous of the couples who just got to study together at the library. i longed to have spencer with me for the little things other couples got to do like midnight milkshake runs, taking blow off classes together, attending football games and tailgates, and building friendships together. visits made this somewhat easier, he was able to come to baylor for a few of my sorority functions and football games and i was able to go to eugene for his birthday and football games. a piece of advice, as cheesy as this is, is to make facetime or skype your best friend. we would study at the same time on facetime, and try to make a point to facetime at least a few times a week. time difference can make this tricky, but if you have a plan set up early on, you can carve out time together.
2) fighting: you know the expression, "kiss and make up"? little hard to do over facetime. fights are inevitable when you can't be with the other person physically, sometimes over similar things to couples in the same city, sometimes just because i missed him so badly i just got angry and took it out on him. as much as i loved seeing him over video chat, it couldn't replace the hug that so often is all i need when i'm crabby.
3) friends of the opposite sex: this is something that every couple approaches differently, but here was my experience. spencer lived in a house sponsored by a local church that had both guys and girls living on different floors. i lived in a dorm for two years that had a girls wing and a guys wing. we both made super close friends of the opposite sex. there were times when it was SO hard and SO awkward. trust was something that had to be at the center of our relationship in order to navigate this. BUT, i had friends who were in long distance relationships who just didn't even go there, and didn't make close friends with the opposite sex. that was fine for them, but for me, my close guy friends were a huge part of my college experience, and i know it was the same for spencer. we had to just talk about how certain things made us feel, and truly listen to each other without being defensive about it (which was so much easier said than done- i am a jealous person!). i know this is a delicate subject, and oftentimes can turn into romantic relationships. all i would say about that, is be honest with your significant other, and be honest with yourself about your feelings. is this person just a friend you enjoy being with, or are words and actions crossing a line? if something makes you feel uneasy in the moment, it's probably something you're going to feel weird about later.
4) the unknown: i think this is something every couple struggles with, near or far. for me, the layer of not knowing exactly what his life looked like added extra anxiety about our future. was he building a life that he would wake up one day and decide i wouldn't fit into? was i? what if we move back to the same city and are completely different people? were we both missing out on the true "college experience" by being in a long distance relationship? again, the key to this for us was communication. we decided before i left for baylor that we would be honest with each other about how we felt about our relationship. that meant there were a couple of times where we "were on a break" and had to have tough conversations about our future and what we were thinking and feeling. if you set expectations early for communicating with each other, it will make it (somewhat) easier!
okay enough negatives, looking back now that we are on the other side of it, here's the ways our distance has positively impacted our relationship, and ultimately our marriage.
1) you guessed it, communication: while transitioning from seeing each other once every 3-4 months to seeing each other every day has been awesome, communication still is something we struggle with. but, i do think that all that practice we got during our distance set us up really well to tackle those tough conversations. the only hard part for me is that there's no "end" button if i start getting frustrated- so bad, i know!
2) appreciation for time spent together: especially our first year of marriage, i would get emotional randomly at how happy i was just to simply eat dinner with spencer and then cuddle up and watch netflix. such small things, but we've tried to keep that appreciation in our focus, especially if one of us is getting on the other's nerves.
3) separate college experiences: my college experience was completely different from spencer's, and i didn't have to worry about that because we weren't in the same place. we both were super busy during college, and even finding time for a phone call or facetime was hard sometimes. i don't know that i would have been able to be involved in as much as a i was if i was also balancing spending face to face time with a boyfriend. this was something that i did not realize or appreciate when i was in college, but now that i'm on the other end of it, is probably the biggest thing i appreciate about our relationship. God definitely had a plan for us, and it's cool to look back and see the times that were the hardest were actually super formative for our relationship.
overall, my advice is you do whatever is best for you and your significant other. yall will get push back from people, who probably mean well, but choose who you listen to. at the end of the day, it's your life, and you should be with the person who makes you happy. was long distance super hard? absolutely. was it worth it for us? definitely. was it not worth it for a lot of my friends? yep. and that's totally fine. at the end of it all, i truly believe i was supposed to be with spencer. it just took a more difficult road than i would have liked to get me there.
do you have any other advice for people navigating long distance? agree, disagree? let me know! i love connecting with other long distance couples!
xoxo
love,
laura
well, i got a little ahead of myself for those of you who don't know my long distance story, so i'll dive right in.
the first thing i want to throw out there is one of my pet peeves about posts like this. being in a long distance relationship, i hated seeing posts that claimed to find "ten easy steps to making your long distance relationship work." they always seemed so shallow to me, and just bugged me honestly! so, i want to say up front- i am sharing my long distance story in hopes that someone else can relate and find encouragement in it. i don't know you, or your significant other. i don't know your unique situation, the things that make your relationship great, and the things that make it difficult sometimes. so please don't take anything i am saying as the end all be all of long distance- i am no expert for sure! (but on a different note, i would love to know more about your story! send me a note here or on instagram and let's connect!!)
spencer and i started dating at the beginning of my senior year of high school. he was a school year behind me (i'm super young for my grade, and he's on the older end of his), and we were "that" summer church camp couple. he was funny, respectful, sweet, and not to mention, has the most beautiful blue eyes. he seemed to just get me, and i loved spending time with him. he was quickly becoming not just my boyfriend, but my best friend. we went to different high schools, but managed to find time to see each other between sports practices and student council meetings. people questioned me almost immediately, "you realize you're going off to college soon, right? what are you doing getting in a relationship now?" honestly, i didn't have a great answer for them. i knew i always wanted to go to college out of state, and i wasn't really willing to let go of that dream for a guy. what was i doing?
fast forward to the end of the next summer. i'm about to leave for texas to attend my dream school, baylor university, and spencer has another year of high school and a dream to attend the university of oregon. as so many people around us were breaking up before college, we were faced with a choice. there were so many arguments for both sides, and plenty of people giving us their opinions (some were asked for their opinions, some were not. not bitter, can you tell?). ultimately we decided if we were staying in the same city, there would be nothing to make us break up, so we decided to give long distance a shot. spencer finished high school, and decided to attend university of oregon, and i stayed in texas for an extra year to get my masters degree, setting up five years spent over two thousand miles apart. we were so lucky to have supportive parents who helped us with plane tickets to see each other once every couple of months, but it still sucked. no way around it- there were many days where it totally sucked.
for us, there were positives and negatives to our long distance experience. i'll start with the negatives so we can end on a happy note!
1) missing out on the little things: until you're far apart, you can't understand the importance of just grabbing a cup of coffee together. this was my silly thing: i was always so jealous of the couples who just got to study together at the library. i longed to have spencer with me for the little things other couples got to do like midnight milkshake runs, taking blow off classes together, attending football games and tailgates, and building friendships together. visits made this somewhat easier, he was able to come to baylor for a few of my sorority functions and football games and i was able to go to eugene for his birthday and football games. a piece of advice, as cheesy as this is, is to make facetime or skype your best friend. we would study at the same time on facetime, and try to make a point to facetime at least a few times a week. time difference can make this tricky, but if you have a plan set up early on, you can carve out time together.
2) fighting: you know the expression, "kiss and make up"? little hard to do over facetime. fights are inevitable when you can't be with the other person physically, sometimes over similar things to couples in the same city, sometimes just because i missed him so badly i just got angry and took it out on him. as much as i loved seeing him over video chat, it couldn't replace the hug that so often is all i need when i'm crabby.
3) friends of the opposite sex: this is something that every couple approaches differently, but here was my experience. spencer lived in a house sponsored by a local church that had both guys and girls living on different floors. i lived in a dorm for two years that had a girls wing and a guys wing. we both made super close friends of the opposite sex. there were times when it was SO hard and SO awkward. trust was something that had to be at the center of our relationship in order to navigate this. BUT, i had friends who were in long distance relationships who just didn't even go there, and didn't make close friends with the opposite sex. that was fine for them, but for me, my close guy friends were a huge part of my college experience, and i know it was the same for spencer. we had to just talk about how certain things made us feel, and truly listen to each other without being defensive about it (which was so much easier said than done- i am a jealous person!). i know this is a delicate subject, and oftentimes can turn into romantic relationships. all i would say about that, is be honest with your significant other, and be honest with yourself about your feelings. is this person just a friend you enjoy being with, or are words and actions crossing a line? if something makes you feel uneasy in the moment, it's probably something you're going to feel weird about later.
4) the unknown: i think this is something every couple struggles with, near or far. for me, the layer of not knowing exactly what his life looked like added extra anxiety about our future. was he building a life that he would wake up one day and decide i wouldn't fit into? was i? what if we move back to the same city and are completely different people? were we both missing out on the true "college experience" by being in a long distance relationship? again, the key to this for us was communication. we decided before i left for baylor that we would be honest with each other about how we felt about our relationship. that meant there were a couple of times where we "were on a break" and had to have tough conversations about our future and what we were thinking and feeling. if you set expectations early for communicating with each other, it will make it (somewhat) easier!
okay enough negatives, looking back now that we are on the other side of it, here's the ways our distance has positively impacted our relationship, and ultimately our marriage.
1) you guessed it, communication: while transitioning from seeing each other once every 3-4 months to seeing each other every day has been awesome, communication still is something we struggle with. but, i do think that all that practice we got during our distance set us up really well to tackle those tough conversations. the only hard part for me is that there's no "end" button if i start getting frustrated- so bad, i know!
2) appreciation for time spent together: especially our first year of marriage, i would get emotional randomly at how happy i was just to simply eat dinner with spencer and then cuddle up and watch netflix. such small things, but we've tried to keep that appreciation in our focus, especially if one of us is getting on the other's nerves.
3) separate college experiences: my college experience was completely different from spencer's, and i didn't have to worry about that because we weren't in the same place. we both were super busy during college, and even finding time for a phone call or facetime was hard sometimes. i don't know that i would have been able to be involved in as much as a i was if i was also balancing spending face to face time with a boyfriend. this was something that i did not realize or appreciate when i was in college, but now that i'm on the other end of it, is probably the biggest thing i appreciate about our relationship. God definitely had a plan for us, and it's cool to look back and see the times that were the hardest were actually super formative for our relationship.
overall, my advice is you do whatever is best for you and your significant other. yall will get push back from people, who probably mean well, but choose who you listen to. at the end of the day, it's your life, and you should be with the person who makes you happy. was long distance super hard? absolutely. was it worth it for us? definitely. was it not worth it for a lot of my friends? yep. and that's totally fine. at the end of it all, i truly believe i was supposed to be with spencer. it just took a more difficult road than i would have liked to get me there.
do you have any other advice for people navigating long distance? agree, disagree? let me know! i love connecting with other long distance couples!
xoxo
love,
laura
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| ©justin lee photography |
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| one of our first pictures together in high school |
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| prom- we were such babies in this picture! |
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| ©justin lee photography |
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